if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
