Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
