it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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