Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
