I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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