Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Randomize
