Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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