Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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