i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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