He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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