apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
