She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
