I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I am available for nakedness
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
