so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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