Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
