it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
