1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
