He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
