Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
There's always time for handjobs
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
