If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
