the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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