The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
