you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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