Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
