just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
