So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
