I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
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i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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