Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Who died my cat blue again?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
