wanna go halves on a baby?
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
