Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
