Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
You can't special order awesome
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
