i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
