I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
