It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
