we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
