I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
