Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
