Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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