i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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