Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
