I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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