No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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