I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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