guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
