Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
