The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
