I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I think we might need a safe word for this...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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