If i come over, it means nothing
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
