You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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