**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
