There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
