i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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