thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
