my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
