When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
