Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
That was before I lit my hair on fire
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
