i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
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He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
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The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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