I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
