I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
